My Last Gift to Dad

by Ashley Cheung, Principal & Founder of VPG

It’s been quite a year for me, and as I was reflecting on all that’s happened, I realized that October is my father’s birth month. That got me thinking about him and all he meant to me. One particular memory is from 2016. I had planned a two-week trip with my mom to visit Korea, Japan, Hong Kong, and Thailand, maximizing airline miles and hotel deals wherever I could. Just two weeks before our departure, my dad asked if he could join us, but only as far as Korea and Hong Kong. I was frustrated because I had asked three times prior if he wanted to join. Dad insisted that he would rather stay home. I told Dad that it would be a logistical nightmare and that the cost would be exorbitant. But he told me that money was not an issue and that this could be his last opportunity to see his brothers and family in Hong Kong. With that in mind, I used my superpower of research and figured out how to include Dad in this original mother-daughter trip.

The flight from Washington to Korea was about 13 hours. It was an exhausting flight. When the taxi dropped us off at our Airbnb in the Gangnam District, my dad fell as his knees were weak from traveling. Thank goodness he was all right. I helped settle my parents in their unit above me before returning to my own to take a relaxing shower. I desperately needed to decompress from traveling. All I could think was that it was going to be an eventful trip. But we had to carry on!

My father had no energy for sightseeing, so each morning, before Mom and I headed out on our daily adventures, we had breakfast in a nearby café with him. One morning, over coffee, Dad said to me, “Ashley, thank you for taking me on this trip. I know it is not easy.” I held back my tears and responded, “Sure, no worries.”

Mom and I were supposed to travel to Tokyo to see my colleagues after putting Dad on a flight to Hong Kong. After making all the logistical arrangements, we left Dad with the airline assistants and rushed to board our own flight. The stress of traveling finally caught up to me – presenting as a painful muscle cramp in my right arm. Our flight attendant was exceedingly kind and gave me an ice pack that eventually relaxed my muscles. Once we got to Japan, I contacted my family in Hong Kong, and they told us that Dad had fallen at the airport. So, we cut our time in Japan short and flew to Hong Kong to attend to him. Dad seemed even weaker than when we saw him just a couple of days prior in Korea. I remember feeling furious inside, as my trips are usually my way of recharging, and now I felt like I was playing the role of caretaker and tour guide for my elderly parents. But as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I felt guilty for not feeling grateful for all they have sacrificed for me.

As the trip ended, I managed to get the three of us on the same flight by redeeming some additional miles for a coach-class ticket. I had asked my parents to sit in business class for the short flight from Hong Kong to Seoul before returning to the States, but Mom insisted that I sit next to Dad. She knew she could not handle him. I thought, “Great, I can’t even have 3 hours to myself.”

As soon as we got on the flight, Dad began drinking so much water that I became concerned. I leaned over and said, “Dad, you cannot drink that much. The plane is about to take off and you will not be able to get to the bathroom.” Either he did not hear me or chose to ignore me. He continued to drink. Of course, the flight attendant announced that we were about to take off, and Dad unbuckled his seat belt and started to get up. The flight attendant began to walk over to us, and I could feel the piercing stares of everyone in business class. I was mortified and thought they would kick us off the plane. Thankfully, the flight attendants were patient and asked the pilot to give Dad some time to use the restroom before takeoff. During the flight, the crew members were attentive to my dad’s needs, and I was ashamed for not handling the situation better.

As soon as I got home, I texted my brother and told him that I needed a break from taking care of Dad. He was empathetic and looked after Dad for two weeks. I really needed to have a mental and physical break from the caregiver role. I just needed some time for myself.

Thinking back, I am thankful that I did everything I could to make the 2016 trip to Asia happen for Dad. My dad left us in April 2017. When he said he knew it would be his last opportunity to visit Hong Kong, I thought it may have been a guilt trip. I struggled quite a bit with how hard it was to make that trip happen for Dad, but I am so glad I made it a reality for him and his family in Hong Kong. So many people are not often fortunate enough to have closure when a loved one passes. Now, I understand it was a genuine sense of closure that he needed. He needed to return to his roots one last time.

Micro Learning Moment (MLM): We regret the things we do not do. Many Asian Americans (or other collective cultures) who get caught between filial piety and the freedom Western culture emphasizes can create inherent conflicts that are difficult to overcome. Reversed parenting is challenging enough and adding the complexity of cultural and generational gaps is not easy to overcome. Perspectives matter when it comes to appreciating and accepting cultural heritage; this is a long and windy road, but it is possible to achieve.