by Ashley Cheung, VPG Principal and Founder
The process of assimilating involves adopting and infusing another group’s viewpoint. It was not until I studied Anthropology and East Asian Languages and culture that I learned about the concept of “assimilation.” I recently read an article about an Asian woman being slapped by a young black woman on a New York subway after insulting her with a racial slur — “Go back where you belong!”
Unfortunately, I witnessed a similar scene years ago. I used to visit my cousins in New York each year, and on one of those visits, my mom and I took the 7th train from Flushing to Times Square. On our train sat a Chinese mother and daughter. We were all keeping to ourselves when, out of nowhere, a middle-aged white man walked onto the train and began to yell racial slurs at the woman and her daughter – “You filthy Chinese have come here to take our jobs!” I was afraid for the woman and daughter, but none of us on the train tried to defend her; we all
went about our business as usual, listening to music or reading newspapers. The woman got off the next stop to escape from the ceaseless and degrading insults from this man, but he followed her! Thank goodness there was a police officer nearby who helped her diffuse the situation. I felt ashamed for not speaking up when I had the chance.
Anti-Asian American sentiment has generated many mixed emotions for me. The subway incident was not the only time I was a witness to a racially charged attack. When I first arrived in Lawrence, Kansas, I watched a young Asian boy be physically assaulted by a much larger athlete at my school. I watched as a crowd of the athlete’s supporters cheered him on. All while hearing the pounding of the boy’s head hitting against a brick wall. At the time, I spoke little English and was so insecure about it that I did not stand up for the boy. But inside, I desperately wanted to. This image has haunted me for much of my adulthood.
Each time I gave in to those insecurities, I felt like I lost my voice more and more. I did my best to push through, worked hard to adapt to American culture, and drastically improved my written and spoken English (although my accent is something I will always carry). Still, insecurities remained, and those, coupled with an intrinsic sense of cultural collectivism, intensified my people-pleasing attitude. And that attitude carried on into my career. I always went above and beyond, doing everything I could for those around me, but with little focus on myself – I lost myself. Despite earning a good income and having a great reputation in my field, I struggled to find happiness. At one time, I even convinced myself that happiness did not matter. I was raised to believe that we live to work, not work to live.
With my dad’s sudden and unexpected passing, I realized how short life can be. Belonging to a group and pleasing others to survive suddenly became less important to me. This realization led me to quit my job and start Virtual Patent Gateway. It was not an easy decision, and I had to leave my people-pleasing ways behind, but the freedom to control my own life was exhilarating.
However, I have found that I have precious little free time since beginning my entrepreneurial journey. When I get those moments of bliss, I enjoy listening to podcasts and reading books. And when I came across a poem and reinterpretation of what “belonging” means by author Brené Brown, I felt a sense of connection to her words. In her book, Braving the Wilderness, she dissects Maya Angelou’s poem, “Freedom:”
You only are free when you realize you belong no place
you belong every place – no place at all.
The price is high.
The reward is great.
Brown illustrated the journey of how she changed her mind from initial confusion with the words in the above poem – How does one belong to no place yet belong to every place and no place at all? That paradox seemed irrational and impossible in Brown’s mind. Then, she realized Maya Angelou was referring to when you truly accept yourself and are not a prisoner of others’ expectations of who you should be. You acknowledge and show up as you are, not for anyone else, but for yourself. That is true belonging and requires a tremendous amount of bravery. You are keenly aware of your presence in the crowd, yet how alone you are in the presence of others’ judgment. You accept the fact that you are enough but are also aware of the voices of disapproval of your willingness to stand out; most will not take such risks.
For far too long, I tried to hide myself, my words, and my opinions like a chameleon to reduce the risk of not being liked by others. But that is no way to live. It is incredibly empowering to understand that my opinions are legitimate, and I have a right to be heard. Others’ disapproval of me is becoming less important than my own approval and happiness. My thoughts on leadership, mentorship, coaching, and vulnerability have been formulated because of very real and valid experiences that I am becoming less afraid to express. Those experiences shaped who I am today. I am still learning to understand myself and often find myself searching for that sense of belonging. The process is daunting, exciting, and scary – all at the same time. It is an important journey and makes life worthwhile.
Micro-Learning Moment:
There are so many lessons learned in this story. A few noteworthy points come to mind: First, assimilation is not a bad thing, but you should stand up for what is right when possible. If you do not, it could be something you regret. Second, peer pressure is real; however, as we grow, we must learn to express ourselves in an encouraging and non-judgmental way. These skills are essential components of great communicators, leaders, and team players. Third, wanting to fit in or belong is natural if it does not interfere with our inner moral compass.
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